I knew you’d be back

I knew shards of your memory would reappear prickling trails in my head

tugging selfishly at the base of my heart

Here it comes, the longing, the hurt

The sprawling sequence of big smiles and sad eyes

Here it comes, a wave of the past

Your harrowing presence the big hugs and gags

I’ve tried to ignore it, to push your image to the pits of my selective memory

To hang your portrait in the basement of oblivion’s cemetery

To repeatedly deny your haunting eyes piercing through my armory

But my efforts, though valiant, sheepishly acquiesce to the forlorn reality

I’m not sure why but most of my most epic tales begin with nights shrouded in obscurity

Perhaps a testament to an ancestor willing to spare my mind of recalled detail

Heaven knows I obsessively cling to nitty gritty

My fascination with the devil consumes every feeble of my being but in this one

I’m spared him, if only that one scale

I guess we both went through it and as I would come to know,

We both cling to a glass, a bottle or a herb to alter our perceptions

 or at least dull our realities albeit for a few hours.

So we didn’t exchange pleasantries until long after you’d driven my friend weary.

She tried explaining who you were but my memory was like trying to look through fresh jelly

But I nodded and shrugged and hence gave way to our fated symphony

It wasn’t fast, it wasn’t forced nor was it soon

But you became a friend I regarded from a far

My confidant on the seasons you made flesh and a fond thought on the seasons you ghosted

Through it all, your sad eyes remained sincere

Looking at me like some precious gem

Talking to me like you couldn’t say enough

And listening to me like I had all the answers in the world

I got a front row seat to who you were

Literally watching as your essence exploded

Meandering through the open road where your mind and heart were one.

I got to see you light up and lead the way as the nightlights led us home

One after the other

Acknowledging your oneness with the purring engine in the brisk quiet night.

I’d ignored your advances and made light of your affections

But granted, I’ve always been good at denying my own feelings.

But you stood by me, offering solid ground to one used to marshes and thin ice

You were there at my lowest,

Holding my face to the sun as it slowly set on the extraordinary life of my beloved shosho

You cracked a joke and I remember laughing at how bad it was

But that’s who you are or were

A warm hug in the midst of a storm

A giggle at a funeral, a rough diamond hiding behind a rock

The we got our chance and the stars seemed to cheer

A friend now turned my love folding doubts into thin air

I didn’t care for our differences nor worry about our friend’s jeers

They didn’t know what we had

Or rather the lengths I’d go to protect your heart

Which I carefully held in my hands

With yours in mine I forgot about my own

Working tirelessly to make sure you were okay

I’d call, Id text, I’d command you to dates

And I’d defend your honor to anyone who dared question it

You should have seen me walk undeterred

Past your circle who looked on me with scorn and accusations

But my will was unwavering and my love for you damn near razing

I thought I could face the world

And darling I was well armed

But the corruption began from within and all my soldiers stationed affront.

I thought you were watching my back

But you fell short too many times to deter the fall of our slowly built fortress

I made excuses for you when you started pulling away

I stood my ground and took the brunt of your emotional turmoil one at a time

I knew I had to stand firm, no matter the challenge

Because my reward was a chance to turn sad eyes bright

To treasure a heart so precious in man’s eyes and hold fast a home the envy of many

Then I got the call

My heart sunk

Here I was standing valiantly against the invaders confident of your full support

But as it turns out you were fighting against me all along

You spoke against me

Sharing secrets, I’d confided in you

And all I could think of was asking

Is this what you think of me?

Cornered and confronted you lied to my face

Deny, deny, deny you could hardly wait to say

But my trust in you was shattered and my confidence diminished

As sad eyes turned to guilt and your response to defense

I don’t think you understand what you did to me

How deeply you hurt me

How impossible it was not to break as my trust in you shattered

For you were my friend ling before our first kiss

Yet here you were lying about me

Telling secretes that weren’t yours to tell

And breaking promises that I warned you not to make

And like that I laid my arms and fell to the ground

I allowed the invasion, in without a sound

I looked at you and finally accepted that if you could do this

And not group the magnitude of your actions

It was clearly not the first time nor would it have been the last

So I cried over my ice cream five minutes after saying goodbye

Ashamed that I’d let you take so much of my energy, time, love and joy

Thinking I was investing them in you

Only to find idle ground where I’d persistently dug

But now you’re back haunting my dreams and I have to remind myself of what you did to me

And mourn of roads left untraveled and sad eyes left unchanged